using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
