I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
