he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
