Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
