i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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