He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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