The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I cut my penus on the lid.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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