I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
