Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
