last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
