just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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