Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
false alarm. still invincible.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
