Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
