You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
