dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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