I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
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JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Still dying that you shit outside
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We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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