Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
