Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
