Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
