New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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