He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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