there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
is that a dick in a sweater?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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