i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
