I've blown a few things in my day
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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