I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
