Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
