I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
