Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
