Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
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She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
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I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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