Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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