I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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