new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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