even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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