wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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