My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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