that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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