If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
