That's when you crack a 10am beer
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
