He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The air was thick with penises
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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