Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
