I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
