I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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