Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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