Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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