you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
