I wanna bring you to show and tell
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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