I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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