She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
