I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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