I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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