she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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