How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
