WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize