i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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