apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
