It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
